Melancholy- How points is that in Scrabble?

My lord it's been a while. Almost a month. I've been busy trying to invest and then divest myself of my girlfriend. I've been dating a gorgeous smart Mexican gal (also the mother of two gorgeous and smart daughters) for the past 15 months. I'm hoping it's coming to an end. You know when you love someone so much but things aren't working out no matter what you do? I suspect that's the problem. You're trying to do something. Fix them, help them, heal them. But you come to the reality that it's their problem(it's actually never just one problem is it?) that they have to fix. There are so many wise sayings that flow across our lips everyday yet we almost never associate them with ourselves unless it's to prove a point to someone else but never to ourselves. And then in retrospect they all make perfect sense. Of course none come to mind at the moment but one, "Happy wife, Happy life."

So I Googled a few:

"If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go."

"I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." (I've been accused of judging. It hurts to think I could be at fault.

"Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves." (Oh, that's a good one. One I've heard lately! But if you're an alcoholic self-centered brat... you might want to compromise!)

"If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they'd never ask you to."

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

And enough! Let's get one last quote from Herman Hesse (I'm partial to Germans):

"If I know what love is, it is because of you."


So where does this leaves us? It leaves me alone for now. I welcome the peace of mind but my mind in solitude. It's terrible what your mind comes up with when you are by yourself. Like a ship on the high seas it swings from contented bliss from one moment to the next of melancholy and sadness. The fear of loss. Was it worth it? Is it worth it?

Not too long ago I met a great gal, young, only 20 but she was convinced she was in love with me. And ready to move from the States where she had no family and no obligations outside of school. I was quite smitten with her as well but my "maturity" stopped me. I felt, and told her that if she didn't finish her degree that she would resent me one day. Was I right? I don't know. The Mexican, she was married 10 years. She left her husband because he didn't want her to go back to college among other things. He wanted a beautiful trophy wife and mother to their daughters. But I think she resented his control with time. And so it was. And so we became. But even though I have no doubt we are perfect soulmates (most of the time), I feel, and she alluded to the fact that she'd never had time to come to terms with herself. Or maybe rather, be herself. I will admit that my fault was/is the expectation and pressure that if you have the responsibility of two young daughters and you unexpectedly find yourself in love with another that you (actually she) will surpress and resolve those urges and be with that person you love. And I think that's where she was torn. And it created issues. I applied pressure and she would seek relief. That's my flaw. Too much pressure.

I know everything. And I'll tell you what you should be doing. I can only thank my mother in part for that philosophy. If you love someone you let them figure it out on their own. It just kills me when you see it coming and you tell them, "I told you so." While that is so gratifying, it must be the most irratating thing you can say to someone. Are you like me? Do you do that too?

My fear now, or rather not my fear but the feeling of exasperation knowing that if all goes according to plan, I have to meet another person. And the whole finding another person I connect to is a bitch. Not that I won't, I know I will but there is the downtime, the rebound or two (or more), and then the connection to someone I think I can love and be with. My actual fear is my track record. I chose these somewhat independent self centered women. I'm an enabler. I'm a hopeless romantic. Blame my mother. And ironically she blames me or rather warns me each time.

In the end I broke it off because, for the person I love, I will sacrifice everything for their happiness but I didn't feel the person I loved would come close to doing the same for me.

"The hottest love has the coldest end." Socrates